If It Makes You Happy...Do It Right NOW!

"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy." ~Lucille Ball

Happiness is elusive for many people. Whether it's due to dealing with every day stresses or something more significant, most of us could find something to frown about if we wanted to.

Certain groups even promote unhappiness among their members in the form of "self sacrifice." The idea, they say, is that sacrificing one's own happiness in life will make for a better afterlife.

Pat Nixon (pictured on TIME Magazine, right), wife of former president Richard Nixon once said, “I have sacrificed everything in my life that I consider precious in order to advance the political career of my husband."

I respectfully disagree with this idea. In fact, I think it sucks. Think about it. Do you think Mrs. Nixon could have been truly happy?

In support of her husband's ultimate goal, she chose to sacrifice herself and her own happiness.

This is something that many of us do without even realizing it. We set goals for ourselves (or choose to help others achieve theirs.) This is good...but then, we unconsciously put off our own happiness during our pursuit of the goal.

We think that we'll be happy when we meet our goals--and in truth, while there is usually a brief period of euphoria after we meet goals, ultimately, many people find themselves seeking the next big thing before they've had a moment to enjoy their success. Then, of course, the cycle starts again.

So how do we break it?

Take some advice from Romanian author and composer J. Donald Walters.

“Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety," he said. "It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment.”

Guess what? If you're unhappy, you've chosen to be so. And, by feeling miserable, you're drawing more of that to yourself. But that's great news!

Why? Because, you can change it. It's simple. All you have to do is make the choice to be happy, right now, this moment. You have to choose it. Regardless of your current circumstances, find that place within yourself called happy and spend a little time there. Smile, even if you don't feel like it. It works wonders, I promise.

My challenge for you today is to choose to be simply happy for two full minutes. Just decide you're happy, and feel it. Don't let yourself stress or think any negative thoughts during those two minutes. Laugh, smile or jump up and down. Whatever works for you--just keep those thoughts happy. Carry that feeling with you throughout the rest of the day.

Next time, we'll discuss the secrets of truly happy people.

Shoulders Back, Show the Rack

You may have heard of Lifetime's new hit show, Drop Dead Diva. While not everyone I know thinks the show is great, I happen to love it.

In case you don't know, the premise of the show is that a hot, young, blond model and a brilliant, equally hot (although slightly older and plus sized) attorney (pictured right) die on the same day.

The model goes to heaven and presses the "return" button on the heavenly processing agent's computer--sending her back to Earth, just as the attorney's body is revived. In the confusion, the model's soul enters the attorney's body, where she is "doomed" to spend the rest of her life.

So, now the model/attorney has all of the model's memories, but the attorney's smarts (and cushy life.) Sounds like a sweet deal, except for that pesky size 16 business.

In the first episode, the attorney has a client who has lost her self confidence (as the attorney has since she went from being a 24 year old size 2 to a 32 year old size 16.) Before court, the attorney helps her client get a makeover, but also does a little exercise with her.

She teaches her a special "model walk" and mantra, which she had designed and used to help improve her own self esteem during her model days. It works--for both the attorney and her client.

The mantra?

Shoulders back, show the rack!

Ok here's where I'm going to stop talking about TV, but let me just say that mantra can really get stuck in a girl's head. :)

Here's the thing.

It turns out that maybe your mom wasn't wrong on the whole "stand up straight" thing. Good posture can have seriously positive effects on your health.

Most obviously, poor posture can affect your physical health.

"We are now a society who spends a lot of time sitting in front of (take your pick) a computer, television, desk, video game, etc. Our children are spending even more time sitting down than we did as children. If you don't think this is leading to a major health problem," says physical therapist Eveline Erni, "I can assure you otherwise. On a daily basis I see patients in my practice for no other reason than because they have slumped over a desk since kindergarten. The results of slumping can be serious including disc surgery and pain and numbness running down the arms and/or legs."

And perhaps more surprisingly, good posture can equal better mental health, higher self esteem and better overall outlook. An Ohio State University study completed with 71 students found that students with better posture had more positive thoughts, were more likely to believe in themselves and generally felt better.

Richard Petty, the study's co-author and OSU psychology professor, says that while most people learn that good posture gives a good impression to other people, the study proves that one's posture also affects his own self perception.

"People assume their confidence is coming from their own thoughts. They don't realize their posture is affecting how much they believe in what they're thinking," Petty says. "Sitting up straight is something you can train yourself to do, and it has psychological benefits - as long as you generally have positive thoughts."

Petty went on to say that good posture helped students to have more confidence in their own thoughts whether they were positive or negative.

So what does all of this mean?

If you can stay focused on positive thoughts, standing up straight can help to reinforce those thoughts--helping you to more effectively manifest the life you desire.

It all sounds so simple, but it really makes such a significant difference.

Not convinced? Try this. Right now, sit up straight in your chair. Put your feet flat on the floor and rest evenly on your "sit bones." Straighten your back and be sure your chin is level with the floor.

Got it?

Now, give me a big, cheesy grin. Come on, just eek one out. Don't worry, no one is looking. Hold it for a minute or two.

Did you try it?

I'll bet you feel just a little more positive.

My challenge to you today is to watch your posture. Make a point of intentionally standing and sitting up straight all day. And while you're at it, smile a little.

Then, watch your mood and perspective take a turn for the brighter. :) What do you think?

Own Your Confidence: It's Sexy, Baby

So, yesterday as I procrastinated, I mean worked...I happened to come across this post on my favorite mom site which shocked me.

The original poster had posed a question: what did moms think about their husband or significant others going to strip clubs?

And, while some said they didn't mind and others said they'd be divorced if it happened, still others threatened physical violence against their men if such a thing happened.

So far, nothing unexpected there.

Then, as I browsed the post, one mom wrote a whole paragraph about her feelings on the subject. And, I noticed, other moms began to attack her, specifically for this one statement in her very relevant answer to the post.

What could this woman say to incite so many negative responses? She must have said something really awful, right?

Well...you tell me.

She said, and I'm taking this directly from her response to the post, "I am very pretty and would be greatly offended if my man wanted to look at other chicks naked. I think I am enough for any man. If I am not, he is the wrong man...that is just my personal view."

She also discussed her reasons for not liking strip clubs (negative way to exploit women, etc) but none of her other points were addressed. She was immediately attacked and told she was "full of herself."

Now, let me just say that, as a woman, I get it. Society wants us to be humble "good girls", and if we have the nerve to express our confidence in certain ways, people call us bitches and, if they're being kind, "full of ourselves."

But, while I get it, I think it's wrong.

So I ask you to join me in expressing your self confidence to the world. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed. Tell the world that you're freaking fabulous and be proud of your amazing self.

What? You're not sure how to do that? Well, don't worry. I've got your back. Check out these posts to help you get started.

My challenge to you today is to think of five amazing things about yourself. Do you have great eyes or lips? Great hair? Are you a great friend, listener or knitter? Can you cook like no one's business? You know who you are. What's amazing about you?

And, here's the hard part, I want you to brag a little. Change your Facebook status to say something wonderful about yourself. Tell your spouse what you accomplished today that rocked. Wear your confidence proudly. Own your amazing self and let the world know that you're the bomb-diggity.

One more thing. Today, instead of feeling upset or angry when you hear or see someone feeling good about themselves, take a minute to compliment someone. You may be surprised to find that you feel fabulous afterward. (But then, that's the whole law of attraction working for you--remember that we get back what we put out there!)

What do you think?

How to Deal With a Toxic Friendship

Before I begin today's post, allow me to apologize for being MIA for the past month. No excuses, just sorry. Now on with the show...

Last time, we learned how to identify toxic friendships. So, once we've figured out that a friend IS toxic, what can we do about it? How do we deal with a toxic friendship?

Recognize the Problem

When we start feeling bad about spending time with or talking to our friends, it's time to take a look at the relationship. Identifying the friendship as a toxic one is the first step to dealing with the problem.

Own Up to It, People Pleaser

Friends of toxic types often have something in common. According to Charles Figley, a spokesman for the American Psychological Association, “It’s a pleaser personality -- you want people to like you, you want to get along, and it’s hard to say no. But you can pay the price in one way by having toxic friends.”

The fact is that, whether you can see it or not, you've got some responsibility in this relationship too. Maybe you've allowed your friend to treat you negatively or to make you feel bad about yourself because you want them to like you, or because you don't like confrontation.

Boundaries, People

Often, people pleasers aren't good at setting boundaries. When your friendships become toxic, it's time to stand up for yourself and let friends know what isn't acceptable. One anonymous reader tells of a friend who always does the "one-up" thing when she talks about problems or accomplishments.

"It happens all the time. Just the other day, I told Jessica about a promotion I received at work, and she was like 'oh yeah, I heard I might be getting a promotion too.' Then she went on to tell me how much better her promotion would be than mine," says our anonymous reader. "Another time, I told her about a problem I was having with my husband, and don't you know her problem with her boyfriend was far more serious."

So, in our reader's case, she might set boundaries by explaining her concerns to her friend and asking her to avoid the "one-up-manship."

Talk It Out

Talk to a trusted (non-toxic) friend or family member about your concerns if you can. Many times, it's easier to figure out the problem when you're "outside looking in"--that is, when you're not the one with the problem, the solution to it can seem crystal clear.

If you can't find an "objective" third party, it's a good idea to seek outside counseling. By employing the skills of a trained therapist, not only do you get the objectivity you need, but you may also get answers or learn coping techniques you wouldn't on your own.

You could also journal or blog about the problem. Sometimes, just putting our thoughts into words is enough to help us figure out our issues.

If All Else Fails

If you've tried setting boundaries and discussing the problem with your toxic friend and have not been able to resolve the issues, it may be time to consider limiting contact or ending the friendship. It's not an easy choice and certainly shouldn't be taken lightly, but when it comes down to it, your sanity and mental health are more important than any toxic friendship. Take care of yourself first, and then you can take care of others. People pleasers often forget this little piece of wisdom.

BitchBuzz writer Kate Kotler offers the following advice on dumping a toxic friend.

"There are many ways you can do this: email, phone call - you can just stop talking to the person. The best way to do this, though, is in person. Invite the person to coffee or lunch. Before meeting them think about why it is you don't want them in your life anymore and figure out how to phrase it in non-judgmental ways. Using "I Statements" - a statement used to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive," says Kotler. "Let the friend know how their behavior makes you feel, 'Bob, I feel upset when you ask me for advice and then tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about.' Be clear and assertive. Let the individual know that you do care about them; but, don't feel like you can be involved in a friendship with them any longer. Give the person a chance to respond, they may not even be aware of their behavior and the idea of losing a friend might give them impetus to think about their own behavior. If the conversation turns towards the negative cut it off and walk away."

*Note: People pleasers sometimes have self confidence issues too. Check out these posts to help boost your self esteem!

Identifying Toxic Friendships

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." ~ Albert Camus

What is a true friend? Everyone has a slightly different definition--but bottom line, a true friend is someone who is there for you when you need him or her, someone you trust, someone who makes you feel good. Probably you have great conversations, share interests and support one another in your every day lives.

But what happens when a friend turns out to be "not so good" for you, if the friendship becomes toxic? What is toxic friendship, anyway?

"The phrase 'toxic friend' is pop psychology," says psychologist Dr. Jenn Berman. "I would say it's someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you -- sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they're not very good for you."

How can one truly identify a toxic friendship? It can be difficult, especially if you have been close to the friend for a long time. If you suspect that a friend is (or has become) toxic, ask yourself the following questions:

• How do you feel after spending time with or speaking to this person? Do you feel good and positive (for the most part) or do you find yourself worrying, stressing or obsessing about some aspect of the visit or call?
• Are you afraid to tell your friend about some aspect of your life for fear of how they'll react or fear of being judged harshly?
• Do you sometimes find yourself avoiding contact with the person or ignoring their calls? Does your friend consistently "forget" about your plans or cancel at the last minute?
• Does your friend actively insult or offend you on a consistent basis?
• Do you find yourself feeling uncomfortable or bothered by your friend's life choices, behavior or moral conduct?
• Do you feel comfortable bringing up concerns about your friendship with this friend?
• Does this friendship benefit you?
• Do you trust this friend, really trust him or her?

These are just a few questions to get you started. In general, your friends should be an asset to your life, not a detriment.

Does someone in your life seem to be more of a hindrance than a help on your journey to personal fulfillment? If so, it may be time to reevaluate your choices. My challenge today applies to those readers who are currently dealing with a suspected toxic friendship. Take a few minutes today to really consider the questions above in regard to the friend in question. Be brutally honest, and take a quick inventory of the situation. Next time, we'll discuss how to effectively deal with toxic friendships.



Coming Next Time: Dealing with Toxic Friendships

Writing Your Own Story: Filling Your Vessel

In the first installment of the Writing Your Own Story series, we discussed identifying and releasing negative self perceptions. And now, after a brief detour, we're going to take the next step.

Once you have released the negative perceptions about yourself, what will you have left? Hopefully, a lot of positive ones. Even so, by clearing all of the negative thoughts and perceptions about yourself, you may find that your slate feels a little blank. Your self-perception "vessel" may be in need of a refill, so to speak.

It might feel exciting and like a great opportunity--or maybe it feels a little scary to you.

After all, you now get to decide how you want to perceive yourself. As you believe, you become (especially with a little inspired action.)

How cool is that, right?

Ok, so by now, you've cleared out the old negativity and are ready to become the YOU of your dreams, right?

But wait...

Who is that YOU? Do you know who you want to be?

If so, then begin to become that YOU right now. Believe that you will be who you want to be and ACT AS IF you are already there. Believe that you are there--claim it as your own. You may have to work for it, but if you take inspired action, it doesn't feel much like work.

What if you're not sure who you want to be?

First, sit down and think about your relationships with others. Grab a sheet of paper or pull up a word document (or hey, a blog post, if you want.) What do you think when you look in the mirror, both literally and figuratively? Consider the following questions.

1. What kind of people am I drawn to?

2. What qualities do these people have that I enjoy? What qualities do they have that I don't like?

3. Are these qualities that I have, or would like to have? Or are these qualities that compliment my own?

4. What messages have I accepted from others about who I am? Which have I rejected?

5. Are these messages accurate? If so, do I want them to be?

By understanding what you find attractive (and unattractive) in others, you can begin to understand what you like (and don't like) about yourself. Inevitably, the qualities that you are most attracted to are those you possess (or want to possess.)

And, of course, once you figure out which qualities you like and want to possess, you're on your way to filling your "empty vessel." Embrace the qualities you lovea

My challenge to you today is to continue actively releasing negative self perceptions, and to begin to believe that you can become what you want to be.

Writing Your Own Story: Taking Action

A certain spiritual leader (one I happen to respect very much) called me yesterday with some concerns over the first post in the Writing Your Own Story series. It seems that she felt it was important to note that one cannot make real life changes without taking action--and she's right.

She was concerned that I was giving the wrong message--that one only needed to imagine that change was occurring and then it would magically happen.

I stand by my statement that change begins in your head--you must believe that it is possible (and that you can and will achieve your goals) in order to create the changes you desire in your life.

However, she is absolutely on target in that we need to recognize that the change in perspective which begins to move you toward your goals must be followed by inspired action.

For example, in the Creating Personal Change series, we discussed making positive changes in your environment. And, while the success of this endeavor certainly depends on your perception of your ability to complete this task--the fact is, one cannot effect environmental change without a little elbow grease (or, at the very least, the ability to call for help, and enough money to pay someone else to do it for you.)

Still, inspired action, while it may be hard work, shouldn't make you feel bad. I addressed this issue in the post entitled What have you accomplished today? last year.

Dr. Joe Vitale, one of the experts who worked with Rhonda Byrne in writing The Secret, said it best when he addressed this very issue in his own blog. Following is an enlightening excerpt from Dr. Vitale's post.

Many fans of the law of attraction think you don't take any action. You simply sit like a good magnet and wait for your vibes to slide the thing you want over to your chair.

I believe that you usually if not always have to take action of some sort, but that your action isn't effort if it comes from your heart.

That's the key difference.

People run marathons, lift weights, climb mountains, write books, travel on horseback, jump out of planes, make hundreds of sales calls a day, and much more.

It's all action.

But if they do it because they want to do it, because it bubbles out of their passion to do it, then it's not effort.

Again, the law of attraction doesn't mean you don't do anything; it means what you do is effort-free.

For example, I write an astonishing amount of books, articles and blog posts. If you didn't like writing, you'd think what I'm doing is gruelling. But I love what I do. So my action isn't effort. It's simply right action for me.

If you think running up a mountain is insane, you won't take that action because if you did, it would require enormous effort.

When you practice what you learn from the movie The Secret, things do begin to come to you without much effort or action on your part. But that doesn't mean you won't have anything to do.

I was able to attract a new car -- namely Francine -- by knowing what I wanted and then taking action when prompted from the inside to drive over to San Antonio one day.

To me, the law of attraction works to make life easier, but not because you don't take action, but because the action you take is natural for you.

My challenge to you today is to take one small step toward becoming the YOU of your dreams. Knit a scarf, write a poem, open a savings account--whatever you do, do it with your goal in mind.

Feel it, be it, do it, have it. Believe that your desires are yours, and then take inspired action toward attaining them.


Coming Soon: Part Three of this series, Writing Your Own Story: Filling Your Vessel